The Thrill of A Journey

Journeys are something that I often look forward to. I am not a traveller per se but on the rare occasions that I do travel, I really enjoy the experience and look forward in anticipation. I especially love traveling long distance by car or by train. Some people travel to exotic locations to unwind but for me the journey itself is a process of unwinding. As the date of travel approaches, I’m usually tingling with anticipation which is heightened on the day of travel. For me the anticipation itself is an exhilarating experience. It might sound silly but the moment I set foot in the compartment of a train, there is an adrenaline rush. It is an adventure in itself because I know where I’m going but I know not what the journey might entail.

As a kid, my annual vacations by default used to be to my native Kerala to visit my grandparents. I used to travel with my family in the Kanyakumari express which involved a total travel time of around 40 hours or so if the train was on schedule. The travel time further extended if there were delays on the way. The adults would complain about the travel time and since we travelled during summers, the heat used to be unbearable. But I would be oblivious to all that. Perched comfortably at a window seat, I would watch in fascination as the train hurtled through quaint little towns and villages. I would see people going about their daily lives, doing mundane chores, would see children playing in vast open fields and would lament the lack of open spaces in the place where I lived in Mumbai.

The scenery at night was sometimes terrifying. Empty spaces, not a single soul in sight and for some obnoxious reason I used to be filled with dread as to what would happen if I were to find myself all alone in no-man’s land. My parents would be busy either interacting with other fellow passengers or engaged in a game of cards. Soon it would be time for dinner and then retiring for the night….the best part. Sleeping on an upper birth was something of a novelty. It used to be a nice experience, falling asleep while the train rocked on its way to the destination. Traveling to Kerala was secondary, for me it was the journey that I sought. So much that, when our annual trips became less frequent after my grandparents passed away, I would still make it a point to embark on that trip just to experience the journey.

As I grew up and started traveling on my own, I no longer used stare out of the windows and see the cities rushing by. But, at this juncture I used to be either listening to some good music or would be unwinding with a cup of tea and a good book. But as I started traveling alone, I found that it had its own drawbacks. As a kid I was usually left alone but as an adult, it was quite irritating when people tried to strike up a conversation. I am a hard-core introvert by nature and have this huge defensive wall built around me. People could only get through if I wanted them to and believe me, such occasions were very rare. So, it was exasperating when a person in the opposite seat tried to engage me in a small talk. In such situations I would only respond in monosyllables and the other person eventually realized that I was not interested in small talk. There has been an instance when a guy started ridiculing me that I was hooked to my Disc-man (yeah, sounds cumbersome now) and would not talk.

Anyway, I have travelled extensively by road in the northern region of India, mostly to Punjab. Punjab is another place that I have seen apart from Kerala which has a lush green cover. Driving through the roads in Punjab is actually a rejuvenating experience because as far as your eyes can see, you only see green. However, travelling inside the city might present a different picture altogether….another concrete jungle with narrow lanes and congested roads. Traveling by road to Mussoorie in Uttarakhand from Delhi was a journey worth remembering. The journey becomes really picturesque when you commence the climb to reach the top of the hill station. The opulent valley of green is like a heaven on earth and nestled between them would be tiny houses with little brooks and streams running adjacently. The beauty of traveling long distance by car is that you are your own master. You are at liberty to pause and take a break in the journey whenever you feel like or if you are too tired to drive.

So, what is your take? Do you, like me, travel for the journey or are you more of a destination person? Does a forthcoming journey fill you with dread or do you actually look forward to it? Would love to hear your thoughts!

– Guest Blogger Sachit Pillai

Why Do We Fall?

Growing up, poetry fascinated me. Mostly because I found it rather hard to grasp the undertones that most poetry is built upon. However, as I grew older, poetry just became a part of me and a part of what I do. Almost all of my writing involves poetry in some form and here is one that I did recently.

Tough times keep coming and going in all our lives, in some form or another. If anything is a constant in life, it the tough times and how we get over it. Cyclical almost. Here is my small take on why we fall, and the whole roller coaster of it all.

Why do we fall?
What is earth and life?
Are we not just someone else's plan?
Just someone else's for the taking?
Why do we fall some more?
If nothing is ever what it seems,
Why make something of anything at all?
Falling and falling,
Strange that its all we seem to do,
Rolling on, tumbling down,
Rolling some more,
Tumbling again.
If only more points were thought of as pointless
And the waves just left to crash,
Maybe, just maybe,
We could just get to the point and fall no more.
Why fall at all?

Strange as this life may seem, it is mostly what we do right? Fall and then get right back up!

…And Hope For The Best

This past year has been trying for me to say the very least. But as it happens, life does go on. For those of you reading my posts, you would have by now realized that with every piece I have written I have grown stronger and possibly bolder with all that I have chosen to share. Writing this blog, has been cathartic and yet I have not been able to write for sometime now. I could say that life has gotten busy (and it has), although, not busy enough that I could not write at all. To be perfectly honest, my writing also demanded that I take some time to heal, especially after every instance that I chose to open up.

But, here we are again.

What is a trial really?
Is it that we try hard or not at all?
Or would it mean that situations try us?

But, isn’t it mostly that trying situations make us try harder? Or not try hard enough?

Trials and tribulations come and go,
Just like happiness and peace does.

Are we ever really, truly at peace?
Or are we forever sad?

Struggle builds character,
Struggle defines one,
But doesn’t it seem like we are struggling always?

Struggling to be at peace,
Struggling to feel,
Struggling to understand,
Struggling to cope?

Let’s not get carried away though,
Some things are easy.
Pain comes easily,
So do the tears.

Smiles are harder and rarer,
And if easy, rarely real.

Hope is omnipresent though,
Forever just there,
Always up for grabs
And at times, a desperate need.

Try and try is seemingly all we do,
Try to smile,
Try to cope,

Try to ease the pain,
Try to hope.

What more is there?
Love, of course.
Love, so entwined in all of these at once,
Peace, happiness, pain, struggle and hope.

So much for love.
Love is everything or nothing.

Trials and trials we face,
So much of it we lose,
So few we win.

True happiness we may never find,
Or ever be fully at peace.

But let hope give you hope.
For trials are just trials.
They come, and they go.

And so it would seem, I have almost healed; just like that. Makes one wonder doesn’t it?

But, what I have learned is that every trial is but a speed breaker, that forces us to slow down, reflect, clear the bump smoothly and continue on!

StayWithMe through 2020.

In Times Like These…

Being pregnant is a beautiful experience. For those of you who follow my blog and have read my pregnancy posts, I have described in some detail what it all feels like. But, what is life after pregnancy really like? Well, it is of course quite different for different people for sure. This is my own, very personal experience.

Going into Labour

That particular morning, I woke up with a start knowing something was about to happen. Sure enough, my water broke I went into labour at about 4:30 am. And there started the crazy roller coaster ride my husband and I went through over the next 24 hours. In all my excitement, I went knocking on my mother’s (she was staying with me to help with the pregnancy and prepare for the baby) door and yelled for her to wake up. I was ecstatic and couldn’t wait for my husband and mom to get ready to take me to the hospital. En route, I was excitedly chatting with my mum and asking her what it would be like after the baby arrives. Needless, to say my husband was also pretty excited. So we finally get there and we realise that my medical file was left neatly on my work table at home, by me naturally (I was so excited that I forgot the one thing my husband put me in charge of!).

But all was forgiven and my husband headed back home to get the file, while my mom took me to the gynaecology ward. I was super excited (an understatement), not just for the arrival of the baby but also because I have never really been admitted in a hospital before (a weird fascination I suppose). I have been a caregiver for my parents when they needed it, but have never really been admitted. Every single aspect of going into labour was a joyride for me.

When my husband returned, at around 6 am on a Friday, we set about to calling our close friends and family.. Every call was a happy one while we annouced that I was in labour and expecting a child shortly. What I won’t forget is how excited my co-sister sounded even though I had just woken her up that early. Until that point, I don’t think my husband and I realised how much my brother-in-law (his brother) and my co-sister were rooting for us (for we live across town from each other; we rarely meet). They made my day.

The hours pass on…

And so it went, induction of labor pain and the mild contractions that started soon after, the doctor visiting me every few hours or so. Through all this time, I was pretty relaxed in my hospital bed and my hospital gown (awfully uncomfortable to wear, actually) and couldn’t wait to meet my daughter or son soon. And suddenly, I was walked to the labor room and it was time.

And then it happened…

I wont get into the nitty-gritty of labor pain, because it is truly beyond imaginable. But, after quite a struggle, we had a baby boy. While I was mildly disoriented, I won’t ever forget the little sounds my son made and the very first sight of him after the nurses cleaned him up. I also vividly remember the joy in my husband’s voice (and he was with me throughout). And I still hear all this in my dreams sometimes.

The next thing I remember is standing in NICU while my dear baby was hooked to all sorts of monitors and being examined by a throng of specialists. I distinctively also remember my husband beside me, in so much emotional pain and he realised (being a practicing surgeon), faster than me, what was really happening. Considering that I had just given birth, I was asked to leave the NICU and rest. I refused to go of course, but, I had to. I settled into a chair right outside, and started praying (for those of you who know me, know that I rarely pray, if ever at all). I have never clung on to hope like I did that night. With the beeping monitors as my backdrop, the tears eventually started. We knew what was to follow.

As I sat there waiting, a nurse came and sat quietly next to me. I don’t know why she did that, because she wasn’t a part of the NICU staff, but she just did. She sat there, saw my tears and held my hand. She had absolutely no idea why I was crying or that I had just come out of labor. But, she sat there. Silent tears gave way to hysterical crying and she stood and she held me for god knows how long. She didn’t ask a single question. I still don’t know her name or what department she worked in. But I owe her.

Eventually, my husband pushed me to go back to the ward and rest. My mom and I after a lot of protesting did just that. Within a few minutes of reaching the ward (I couldn’t walk very fast), my husband called us. It was over. If ever I have heard my husband cry, that was it. Over the phone. It was then 12 am, about 20 hours after my water broke.

The next few hours went by in a blur. We were in shock, and I was torn, watching my mom, my husband and my son.

The calm after the storm…

Calm. Not peace, but a quite, almost sinister calm came over me. I don’t know why, but I was suddenly clear, confident and taking care of people around me. It was weird. Little did I know that it just meant something broke inside me that day. And it was irreparable. It still is.

Times like these…

It is always in times like these that you notice the people around you. The people that have stayed, the people that rush (yes, rush; like it happened to them), the people that continue to care. I won’t ever forget my brother-in-law and my co-sister mourning and crying like they had lost their own; I guess in a way they did too, nor will I ever forget my cousin (brother), who rushed as soon as he heard and accompanied my husband through what had to be his toughest journey yet.

Losing a child at any stage in your life, be it a miscarriage or a loss like ours, a few hours after birth, is an indescribable feeling. It numbs you, it shatters you, it changes you, almost kills you, but eventually makes you stronger.

 Pranav, my baby, where ever your beautiful soul is, we love you.

A Dream Catcher

Closing my eyes,
 Drifting afar,
 Soul travelling,
 Two minds at war

 Amazing is as amazing be,
 Just how seamless such journeys seem,
 Vivid are some though most fade away,
 All so real, yet surreal
 Reaching out, holding on,
 Hoping to see once more and again,
 Closing your eyes, drifting afar
  
 Red willow we use,
 A hoop we see,
 All around are feather and bead,
 Beads of beauty to behold
  
 A perfect circle of life and love,
 Life all passing through,
 Sifted and sorted are good and bad,
 Vibrations that stir your very soul
   
 Tis of Iktomi's web that I speak,
 Woven in wonder,
 Woven with care,
 Intricate lines meander on,
 Cycles and cycles of different lives,
 Similar lives of babies first,
 Of man and woman passing by,
 So old and frail one does become,
 Babies once again?
  
 Now close your eyes and drift afar,
 Astral beings our souls are,
 Travelling far, from dark to light,
 Sifting through infinite rings,
 The light passes through,
 Right through the centre,
 Darkness broken by the light,
 How much we see of the light,
 The dark we may never know.
  
 Such are thoughts in waking we find,
 Such are thoughts so lost in slumber.
 A wonder is that which bewitches the spirit,
 Renewing a soul with every awakening